There are times that I am very grateful that I have sons and not daughters.
Yesterday another mum (the lovely Actually Mummy) was asking twitter it's opinions on whether an 8 year old girl should be allowed to get rid of the hair on her legs. The reason being that this girl is being teased at school by both boys and girls for having hairy legs, and she had told her Mum this and wanted to know what she could do because it was making her unhappy .I for one added my two pennies worth, and I could see going through her timeline, that this Mum had started a very interesting debate which received a lot of tweets.
It made me think back to my own childhood/teenage years and the problems I faced with my Mum; trying to make her understand my own feelings when I myself was teased on several occasions regarding more than one issue that made me feel unhappy.
Body Hair
I matured very young and a lot sooner than many of my friends, and I had dark hair which resulted in hair legs and underarms from primary school onwards. It wasn't until I reached secondary school that I was teased for it, probably when I was about 12 or 13. It wasn't so bad during the winter months because I wore thick black tights, but as soon as the warmer months arrived, and indeed in my PE lessons throughout the school year, my hairiness was on show for all to see and I got a lot of stick for it, mostly from boys.
My mum must have been aware of my hair 'problem' because when I was 13 she actually let me get rid of the hair with an electric lady razor (a Phillips one from memory) during the school holidays. it was great and I thought this meant that she was going to let me continue , but she didn't allow me to do it again until I was 14 or 15 when I was given me of those razors for a birthday or Christmas present!
Bra
Again, as I mentioned before, I was well developed at a young age and by the age of 9 I had little 'lady bumps' on my chest, and I was aware of them because the boys at my primary school were always trying to get a look when we got changed for PE ( we had unisex changing rooms there, it was a small village school) which was soooooo embarrassing! I remember when I was about 11 over hearing my Nan telling my mum that maybe it was time I had a bra, but Mum said I was too young. Fast forward a couple more years, and I am at secondary school and I see girls with really flat chests wearing their 'trainer bras' and I am looking at mine and thinking my boobs are bigger than theirs! My best friend told me that I just needed to tell my Mum that I needed a bra , but the trouble was I got embarrassed by such things and would go bright red! Anyway, eventually when I was 14 I was allowed one!
School Shoes
When I started secondary school my Mum decided instead of me having a brand new pair of school shoes like my brother, I was to have a hand me down pair that she had as we shared the same size feet. O.M.G!! They were just the most disgusting pair of shoes ever! Honestly, they were. They were black lace ups with a pale brown coloured chunky heel - I remember seeing them on the female police officer in the opening or closing credits of The Bill back when it first started on TV. Basically, not the type of shoe a 12 year old girl would want to wear, especially when starting a new school! Well I got called so many names from sky scraper, 4x4 (I was tall anyway, the shoes did not help!) well you get the idea! It was humiliating!
About half way through the school year, Mum relented and bought me a pair of nicer shoes from Clarkes, on condition that I still wore my old 'cloghoppers' (my own name for them) on the walk to school and then changed into my new shoes at my school locker. Well, I would change shoes before I entered the school gates, but unfortunately one day I must have forgotten to pick my new shoes up because I lost them! I was devastated and cried and cried for ages because it meant having to go back to wearing those awful shoes again!
It's ok, you can put the violins away now!!
When I think back to these things, it makes me realise that none of them did anything for my self confidence and I didn't have any for a long, long, long time. I still don't really, but as you get older you learn to accept yourself more and there are no school children to tease you! My mum didn't realise, and indeed still doesn't realise, how I felt back then, how her decisions affected me. It's like she had no empathy with my situation. Mind you if I thought kids were mean back then, just imagine what taunting I would have got if all that applied to me as a child/teenager nowadays! I would be a social outcast!! I guess that's the thing, although I was teased, it didn't happen to me aged 8 I was at least at secondary school on the verge of becoming a teenager.
I think it is very sad that nowadays, children as young as 8 are made to feel self conscious about their appearance and in GG's case about an issue which is not her own doing, after all, it is perfectly natural and healthy and NORMAL to have hair on your legs ! Indeed it is more abnormal not to have body hair. If the decision is made by her Mum to have her let hair removed then I also find it sad that a girl so young feels pressured to do this to feel happier and to shut the name callers up.
BUT I really admire and respect Actually Mummy for addressing this issue head on and taking into account her daughters anxieties and feelings, and taking her seriously. I really wish my Mum had done the same for me. But then I never had the confidence to speak to my mum properly about such important subjects because I couldn't I guess. I just wasn't able to speak openly about it. That is sad also. It's not that my Mum and I had a terrible relationship, I just didn't have the guts to face up to how I really felt and discuss it with her.
Yet I can't help but think why can't children be children anymore? Why do they feel they have to adhere to what they think is the 'norm' and why do other children have to be so mean when they probably have their own hang ups too. It is just wrong that youngsters can't just enjoy being young. They shouldn't have to face such dilemmas at such a young age.
It also makes being a parent even more tough doesn't it.
I think the sad part is that other children think they have the right to comment on others. Without the comments would our children simply be happy with being just children? I wonder...
ReplyDeleteI like this post, I read an article today about 5 year old girls questioning their body image, most about being 'tubby'. It made me rage inside, the worst part is my own daughter has already mentioned she thinks she might be too fat because of two things, one is her nan on her dads side made a comment about a t-shirt being a bit tight round the belly and the other one was unfortunately disney princesses (which she loves) having a 'flat belly'. I don't remember being bothered by any of this till secondary school. Is it me or does it start sooner now?
ReplyDeleteIt's not you it definitely starts sooner nowadays, and it is just wrong. I was bigger than girls my age for years but I didn't get teased for it at primary school.. Just so sad that girls (maybe boys) feel such pressure nowadays and from their own peers!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. X
That is also true sadly. I guess that is also a part of being a child being mean to others through teasing . Thanks for commenting x
ReplyDeleteI was the youngest of 6 kids. Everything I had was a hand-me-down. Everything i had was worn until it was threadbare! It was never really a problem until I was a teenager & my friends had trendy new clothes & I had stuff that was baggy & out of date. It affected my confidence growing up but there was nothing we could do about it, we just didn't have the money. It is sad that kids can't be kids these days, a 4 year old girl at my sons preschool went home crying one day coz another girl said her dress wasn't pink enough!!! WTF?!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good post Jenny- and I have written before vaguely about how little girls should stay little girls and not cake themselves in makeup. It is such a shame but when you look at the role models they have nowadays you can see why. I do often worry about having a teenage daughter- it is going to come with its challenges thats for sure! x
ReplyDeleteThis is really sad and extremely young to start being aware of things like this. As mothers all we can do is keep trying to promote the right way of thinking with our girls.
ReplyDeleteGosh this has just bought back sooo many memories from the most miserable time in my life. I had a hideous second hand winter coat one year that actually made me cry, never had branded trainers, just ones from the market and awful awful spots. I know now that my mum and dad had very little money but didn't understand back then. I'm now acutely aware of never making Lily experience anything I did as much as is possible but I shall also make damn sure we have a totally different relationship to that of my mum and me. Fantastic post x
ReplyDeleteI think GG has always been aware of hair on her arms - it gets matted and pulls when we put sun cream on her :(
ReplyDeleteSo I think it was inevitable that she would have an issue with it herself. It is only now that she has problems with comments at school that she has raised it. And she almost didn't, so I think how I handle it in her eyes is really important now if she is going to trust me with her problems going forward. Such a tough one!
This is a great post. I went to a tiny village primary so bullying/teasing never occurred. But I was terrorised from the day I started till the day I ended secondary school. Hairy legs was one of the 1st things. So much so at 12 against my mothers wishes I used a friends razor. I was the eldest of 4 so my parents always treated me still like a baby. I was teased for having in fashionable shoes. Not having boobs. Then having too big of boobs. I hate the fact it starts so young for kids. My cousin got bullied these past mths because she didn't have a blackberry or iPhone. To the point making her unwell. She is 10. Makes me ao nervous of our future x
ReplyDeleteI think the average age of puberty is getting earlier and earlier. It's something like 8 or 9 now which I think it awful! I agree - I want my daughter to be a child for as long as she wants to be. We can't underestimate how big a deal these things are. When I was 11 or 12 I got given a really really horrible set of shoes for school. I was an 80's kid and they didn't fit. Forced to wear them to school and in tears I immediately borrowed a friends pumps which were at least 1 size too small and not part of the school uniform! I 'lost' them after that day because I would rather take the consequences of that than wearing them!
ReplyDeleteI think if they have a good enough relationship to talk to you and it is an issue for them then I don't see the harm in shaving legs or arms or whatever. What's the downside to it? she'll be doing it when she's older anyway
I remember dry shaving my legs at the age of 11, not because I needed it but because we were at a alsumber party and we all did it... Arrrgh, mental! It's so hard these days because it does seem puberty is getting earlier and the teasing at the age of 8 or 9 must be really awful for someone's self esteem. I'm not sure how I would react, I reckon I would probably silky mitt some of it off to help her with the issue but not allow shaving completely. Or something to that effect. (you had me giggling at your shoes though!)
ReplyDeleteThanks Katie. As a mum to a daughter i am sure you do have concerns for her future with regards to image and not wanting her to have to grow up too quickly. i think i recall the post you wrote. It will be challenge i am sure . i still think its sad thought the pressures young people put on themselves.
ReplyDeletethanks for commenting xx
i think you are right, but it is their peers , and possibly the media, who can change their thoughts. thank you for commenting x
ReplyDeletei am sure you will deal with it admirably because you have been there yourself with other issues and know how it feels to be the one being teased and not listened to by your mum. it must be very hard but you will get there i am sure. x
ReplyDeletewelcome to my shoe horror world Dawn!! mine most certainly did not 'fit in' either!! it is awful the age that puberty seems to being nowadays, and i think parents need to be there and be as understanding as possible.
ReplyDeletethanks for commenting.x
Oh God, thank the Lord I have a boy!
ReplyDeleteI actually think 8 is way too young, by the time she gets to Year 6 I could understand it but not Y4.