Muddling Through Parenthood In My Own Way

I often look back over my time as a Mummy so far and find it hard to recall what life was like before when I only had me (and my business) to worry and think about. I often used to daydream about what it would be like to have a baby of my own.  I still had no idea what I was letting myself in for really when I found out I was pregnant. I mean everyone tells you their experiences of what being a parent is, and what it meant to them, but as much as you nod your head and smile along with them describing parenthood to you, until you actually have a child of your own you really do not have any concept of what it is going to be like. At least that is how I see it now, looking back and remembering life BC (before children).

I always imagined that being a Mummy would be hard but rewarding work. However, nothing prepared me for how it actually was and at times still is. I remember during my first pregnancy that for a long time I dreaded going into labour - the one thing about being pregnant that I had always worried about waaaaaaay before I even thought about trying for a baby. Not knowing if I would be able to manage the pain or worrying that I would poo whilst pushing!  I mean the way it is portrayed in films and TV shows, together with the 'horror' stories other mums tell you, it is not something to look forward to is it? (the actual labour part I mean, not the end result). 


Yet towards the end of my first pregnancy, it suddenly hit me that very soon I would have a baby; a little person who would rely on me for everything ....... forever! What a huuuuuuge responsibility!  I started to panic a little and I wondered if I could actually manage and be a good Mummy.  I suddenly stopped worrying about giving birth and instead worried about coping with a baby once it was born. Too late by then to be thinking about this I know, but it did scare me ; I mean what if after years of wanting one of my own, I wasn't actually able to cope with bringing up a baby? 

5 hours old

I remember a few hours after Burton was born and I was with him for the first time on my own up on the ward, I just sat and looked at him.
Looked at him properly and tried to take it all in. I thought about how I felt to finally be his Mummy. All the usual feelings any new mum must feel I expect, happy and elated that my baby was finally here - so perfect and healthy it felt like a dream! That over whelming love that other parents try to explain to you, but you realise once your baby is born that you could never have imagined how it felt now you actually understood and felt it yourself. Amazing isnt it? 

 I also felt scared.

 What was I letting myself in for?

When the time came to dress him so we could take him home a bit later on, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Being a bit clumsy I was worried I would hurt him as he seemed so small and vulnerable (he was 8lbs exactly so wasn't really that small!), and had to get the OH to get him dressed!! Looking back this seems utterly ridiculous now that I allowed that to happen, and that I wasn't able to put his little clothes on him. I think I just panicked and was afraid of hurting him and didn't feel relaxed doing it on the ward. Maybe I was worried that I wouldn't do it right and one of the staff would be over correcting me! 

tired mummy.com 

home at last!

I was also anxious that I might not cope with the breast feeding,  getting him to latch on, the nappy changing, the crying and screaming, the sleepless nights , you know, all the normal newborn baby concerns that I am sure every parent has.

Of course I did cope (just!!) 

And I am here to tell the tale!  

Of course one baby back then has now evolved into a toddler and a baby - and to think I worried about how I would manage with just one child back then! It makes me smile now when I think back to that, because in some respects that was a doddle really, compared to having a newborn and a toddler to look after, especially during those first 6 weeks. Now that was a shock to the system. 

even more tired mummy.com
(5 hours after ~Jenson was born)

during Jensons 1st week at home

On the one hand I was more prepared the second time around, I mean I had been there, done that, worn the tee shirt, (which got covered in sick, snot and dribble!) and I knew what having a baby was like. You don't enter into a second pregnancy without having an understanding of what to expect. I was more laid back with Jenson - more so when I was feeling rational of course and not sleep deprived which makes any problem seem ten times worse! I knew what signs to look out for the second time and therefore I didn't worry or panic quite as much.  

with Burton trying to stay awake!

However, I didn't know was how I was going to cope with being up all night with a baby and then having to stay awake all day to entertain Burton! That was hard work. I was so knackered and yet it didn't seem as bad as the first time round, but I guess that was because I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel.I knew things would improve : that I would get more that 2 hours sleep eventually! Wooo hoooo I then got 4! Whereas with Burton it was all so new,so alien as I had nothing to compare it against. I just muddled along as best I could in a haze of complete and utter exhaustion. I did what ever I had to to get through those first few months. 

I think this is what motherhood (parenthood) is essentially about - it's just one big juggling act. Nothing can prepare you for it; every child is different and therefore every parenting style is too. It doesn't matter how many books you read by so-called experts, or the advice other parents, family members or health advisors give you; at the end of the day I believe you have to approach being a Mummy (Daddy) in your own way and make it up as you go along. Go with the flow I guess. Not an easy concept to grasp when you are tired and full of hormones and in the midst of baby bedlam during the newborn stage I know, but thats what helps when you have another baby. The experience of having been there before.

I don't mind admitting that I find parenthood hard and a struggle. Infact I have found it to be bloody hard at times, and new obstacles and challenges come along everyday, and just when you think you have tackled one another comes along! But it is also the most amazing, beautiful and rewarding time I have ever had and I am so thankful to have this opportunity: to experience it myself. I wouldn't change it for anything. 


Yes, there are times when I would love to go to the toilet on my own in peace and not have Burton try to wipe my bottom or pass me minuscule pieces of toilet paper (!) . To watch a film on a sunday afternoon with my feet up or get a full nights sleep and sleep past 7.30am. To read a book or wear clothes that don't get covered in some kind of bodily fluid !! BUT there is no way I would want to return to my life before because it didn't fulfil me in the same way motherhood does.

I still doubt my skills as a Mummy sometimes. I still worry that I don't always do a good job as one. But I love being one and I love my boys: they are my world and I feel privileged to be around each day to see them grow and change.  

As I said at the start of this post, I didn't know what I was letting myself in for when I became a Mummy and now 27months later I still don't really!


Do you feel the same way? 

DAY 11